Ryan Walters and the “accidental” alleged AudriAsana Nude stretching Show (a.k.a.“Namaste, You’re Fired”)
Put an image behind him of us doing yoga in bodysuits
Okay. Deep breath. 4 counts in, hold 4 counts, 4 counts out, hold 4 counts. Grab your iced frappe bullshit coffee, cancel your Zoom, and get ready for this because it’s so funny it deserves its own stretch class.
So Ryan Walters—you know, Superintendent of Public Schools in Oklahoma, a man so conservative he probably irons his Bible—was allegedly caught watching naked women doing yoga during a State Board of Education meeting.
Yeah. During a live government meeting. Not on his lunch break. Not on incognito mode in a parking lot. During. The. Meeting.
And where was he allegegedly watching it?
AUDRIASANA.COM.
Yup. That’s right. Not ESPN, not a PowerPoint on literacy rates, was it possibly—Audriasana dot freaking com? His defense: “It’s educational!”
The go-to destination for people who think yoga needs less downward dog and more upward dong.
What Even Is Audriasana.com?
It’s like if Lulu had an OF. It’s fitness and wellness, but everyone’s naked. And they’re not only stretching for fitness—they’re stretching for your spiritual awakening, if you know what I mean.
Audriasana.com is the kind of website where you “accidentally” click a video and then “accidentally” get a pop-up with titles like:
“Unlock Your Inner Flexibility (And Hers Too)”
“Hot Nude Yoga in Bali—She Can Balance on ONE FINGER”
“Feel the Heat: Naked Warrior Pose for Beginners”
And this man—Ryan “Morality Matters” Walters—apparently had it up on a screen during a private executive board session while sitting there like a principal in a Pixar movie.
Board members literally said they saw “full-frontal nudity”. One even whispered, “That’s pubic hair.” Whaaaah? not possible. And listen—I don’t care how professional you are, there’s no HR training in the world that prepares you for that line in a government building.
Internal Monologue Time
“Oh, nooo, I have no idea how Audriasana.com got on my screen. Must’ve been those liberal hackers. You know how the devil loves Wi-Fi.”
“I’m a serious educator. I only watch neekked yoga for... uhh... research. Yeah. For curriculum ideas. ‘Hot Flow for teacher training.’”
“Other people use my devices!” Bro. Who are these “other people”? Your intern? Your mailman? Your Nana?? Who is watching softcore spiritual corn in your office like it's public access television?
Walters Responds (and It's Glorious)
So Walters came out swinging, called the accusations “categorically false,” and claimed it was all a political attack.
Sir. You could’ve blamed a Zoom glitch. You could’ve said someone AirPlayed the wrong thing from their phone. But instead you pulled the “I don’t know her” Mariah Carey defense on Audriasana.com.
I’d respect it more if he just said:
“Yeah, I watch naked trainers. Sometimes I like my chakras aligned and my morals unhinged. Sue me.”
There’s Now an Investigation
The sheriff’s office is involved. They want to search his devices, because OF COURSE THEY DO. And lawmakers are going, “Unlock your phone, bro. This isn’t study hall with OF on a side tab.”
Meanwhile, teachers in Oklahoma are being suspended for showing Romeo and Juliet. But I guess if you’re the superintendent, you get a free pass to stream “Booty in the Lotus Position” from your state-issued MacBook.
The Moral of the Story?
This is what happens when the people shouting the loudest about “family values” are secretly watching nude fitness at work.
The truth is doing more backbends than anyone on that damn website.
And listen—I don’t kink shame. You wanna watch some yoga and get in touch with your root chakra, do you, boo. But don’t do it in a government office, during a taxpayer-funded meeting, while trying to ban LGBTQ books and police what kids read.